Its harder than it sounds.
And often, we have to go through lesson after lesson to learn this. Picture the scenario, have you ever felt your soul crumble as you beg the person you thought cared about you more than anything, as they stare into space, not having an answer for you?
Yeah. Ouch. It hurts.
You may have also heard the saying: "If they wanted to, they would."
There are a few layers to this topic that I have personally suffered with, and now that I have got through the other side (kinda) I can put myself in both scenarios, which will hopefully bring you ease knowing that if you have ever been in this situation, it is never a reflection of your worth. Ever. And I promise you, there are people walking this earth who will love you the way you want to be loved.
You deserve to be listened to, and to be loved effortlessly. As easy as breathing. You deserve to have someone who speaks highly of you anywhere and with anyone. Someone to have your back. You deserve someone that you can trust in any situation, and you know that they can stay true to you regardless. You deserve a bestfriend, and most importantly you should never have to guess how they feel about you, or your worth.
Never beg for someone to love you.
I have been there, its agonizing. It makes you feel less than whole, and it increases anxiety and lowers self esteem. And yet we still do it, when we fall in love we often forget our boundaries we have made with ourselves from previous relationships and we lower our standards. Like me, if you have been in toxic/abusive environments, this might be all you are used to. Its what your brain has been conditioned to, and that's where limiting beliefs are formed. The brain then doesn’t want to have to learn something new I.e in this case creating boundaries and expectations. I have put in so much work, time and effort to heal my brain and soul from being made to feel less than what I am, so when I found myself in a similar situation again, it felt like the world was ending. How can it be so hard for you to do something that is so easy for me to do in return? Or how is it so hard when you're supposed to just feel that way for me naturally? I would be lying if I said it doesn't effect me everyday, or at least the lasting, imprinted effects from it. But this doesn't have to be just romantic relationships, this can be within family, friendships and professional colleague connections too.
How do I fix it?
It all starts with healing. There is not one way to fix it, but the trick is to fill your own cup up so much that it overfills. Acknowledge how they make you feel, feel the sadness and anger or whatever emotion that comes along with it, and start putting that energy into YOU. This can look like starting a hobby, writing that book, joining that class, making time away from them to see friends and family who make you feel FULL and LOVED. It could look like meditating to reduce anxiety, it can be writing out those angry, frustrated and helpless feelings you feel when you have been let down. Because another thing I have learnt is you can send those well thought out texts or speeches you have rehearsed in your head over and over, if they don't know how to love you, or find it HARD to show you the love you deserve, they will not respond to your messages, or tell you what you need to hear. which will make you feel 100x worse, trust me.
It's easier said than done, so rather than telling you to stop texting them, dump them, cut them off, focus on you, I am going to give you some tips that I actually found useful in dealing with these kind of heartbreaking situations, and why you might feel this way in the first place.
Why do I beg to be treated right?
This often comes from a place of low self esteem, and a place of thinking you don't deserve to be loved, which could have been rooted from childhood, or from an event in your life both singular or reoccurring that has stuck with you. It can also be caused by toxic, emotionally unavailable partners who haven't healed, or grown themselves. Maybe they don’t feel that they deserve to be loved either, hence why they can’t give it. Maybe you’re scared that you need to settle, or you are stuck in a rut because you won’t find anyone else who makes you feel safe or comfortable, but this isn’t comfort, and that safety you think you feel is just you settling for less than you deserve. Sometimes, and I know I can speak from experience, I have begged to the point of numbness. I switch off my emotions because it hurts too much. I become careless and self destruct, which is our brains way of trying to protect us, so when we feel overwhelmed, we sometimes go into a constant fight or flight, which results in autopilot. There is a lot more to that aspect that I have learnt from therapy which I can go into in a separate blog, but it’s important to be aware of our behaviour patterns and why we feel the way we do. So once you have identified with why this might be happening to you, you can then take the first steps to fixing it.
Fixing it
So, going back to the saying of ‘if they wanted to they would’ we often assume that because our partner HASN’T done something, its because they don’t love us the same way that we love them, or that they don’t feel that way about you. That’s not always the case. It could be that they’re unaware, or they don’t know how to love themselves. This is where communication comes in.
It can go one of two ways. You could sit down with your partner and express to them how certain things they’re doing bother you, or you would like them to do more of something (again reinforcing your boundaries). If they respond with kindness and are willing to put in the work and change to make YOU happy, this is a great step in working together as a team to make each other feel loved. Listen to their reasons as to, as they might feel as though they need something from you, too.
If they respond positively but don’t carry out their worlds with actions, then gently remind them of the conversation you have had. Life can be crazy and chaotic, sometimes we innocently forget things that are important to our partners, and there isn’t malicious intent behind that. Sometimes hour partner might not know how to love or receive love and so another conversation surrounding that might help also. However, if they continue to give you empty promises and never carry this out within their actions, this is now resulting in you feeling as though you are begging for something that just isn’t happening, which follows up with the exhausting feelings of insecurity, frustration, low self esteem and sometimes paranoia - this could look like ‘why can’t you talk about me to your friends in that way? What are you hiding?’
So. Whether they love you or not, whether they have changed or not, no matter how much you beg them, if they leave you feeling worthless, and aren’t willing to work together and communicate about how both of you are feeling, they aren’t the one. Because let me remind you, the ‘one’ or ‘good friends’ or supportive family members will make you feel valued. They will do whatever they can to become the best versions of themselves, and respect you. Surround yourself with people who want to do this not just for you, but for themselves.
Whether you choose to stay and work on your relationship or leave, you need to do what is best for you. I have stayed in situations where I felt so unloved and hurt for so long and honestly, after a while, I didn’t recognise who was looking back in the mirror at me. I vowed to myself that I would never, EVER let myself get treated like that again. Because that is now a standard that must be met. Because I deserve that standard and I deserve the best love. It took me years to unlearn limiting beliefs and gain these new thoughts, but I’m still learning and unlearning all the time.
Be kind to yourself. If you ever find yourself in this situation, try not to deflect onto the other person unless you can communicate clearly. Separate yourself from them, find a space where you feel safe, do some breath work and do something that calms you down. Wait until you feel like you’re in a place where you can clearly communicate. If the other person still isn’t responding in a way that is making you feel like they want to change, take yourself out of the situation completely until you can make a long term decision. Take your power back, and distract yourself with activities that allow you to dive into your self love journey unapologetically. Once you discover you’re your own home, and you’re completely whole WITHOUT anyone else, you will always feel safe, and you will no longer have to beg them.
Love yourself so hard and so fiercely that you become the person you want to attract.
M xxx
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