We've all been there, staring at our screens enviously whilst we see others out there living their best life, whilst we are sat in bed beating ourselves up because we let our social anxiety get the better of us again.
But the truth is, it's okay to miss out.
Remember, people only post the stuff they want the world to see, the filtered, perfect versions of their lives. It's never the reality.
It's okay to not go to every single event, party or a spontaneous night out. Everyone gets burnt out, and more often than not when we push ourselves, we don't always have a positive social experience.
Fear of missing out is often caused by a place of low self-esteem. We worry that if we pass on that gathering, that we will miss out for the long term, and ultimately the people you let down will never invite you out again or think bad of you.
Well here's some tough love - if those people respond negatively, they aren't the ones.
YOU are entitled to put yourself first. If your social anxiety is burning you out, or you just feel wiped after a long day, it should be and absolutely is okay to raincheck. Boundaries are so important to maintain, but when you are a person with low self-esteem and suffer from codependency, setting boundaries can often provoke feelings of guilt, worry, and anxiety, resulting in you relying on others for your OWN happiness.
Where does this feeling stem from?
Remember, it's a gradual process to recognise. Co-dependent people have usually experienced childhood trauma or relationship trauma. And when I say trauma, it doesn't automatically mean physical or mental abuse; it can often originate from just not having enough emotional support or neglect, without the parent, friend or partner being aware.
It often shows up later in life in the form of relationship OCD, relationship anxiety, and co-dependency within all relationships, it doesn't have to be within just romantic ones.
What can we do?
First of all, identify what boundaries you want to set. These could look like the following:
When I hang out with those particular friends, I always feel so drained. I'm going to keep my distance from now on.
I force myself to party as a distraction because I hate being alone, so I'm going to set myself a day a week in the evening where I don't see or speak to anyone, to learn how to be okay by myself.
I am allowed to cancel plans that I don't feel up to, I don't need to justify why I am not attending a party, or when I am going to leave.
I'm just really struggling to be around people right now, my social anxiety is really bad, so I'm going to have some me-time this weekend.
The more you stick to those boundaries, say them out loud, and remind yourself it is OKAY and SAFE to do so, the easier it gets. Take back your power, and you will find as a result of this, socialising will become less of a chore and more of an experience YOU choose to take part in. Surround yourself with uplifting people who meet your energy with positive frequencies, people who make you feel comfortable. DO NOT settle for friends who make you feel guilty for simply putting yourself first. By taking back your power, you're sending a message to the universe that is practically saying:
"I will not settle for less."
This means you are going to ATTRACT better people, places and environments into your life, rather than remaining in a negative state of mind, letting others control you, and so as a result only attracting toxic people and habits. (The law of attraction).
You may find that once you set these boundaries, you will embark on a beautiful yet scary journey of re-discovering who you are, the kinds of people you want to associate yourself with, and the types of places you want to go and see; you may get lonely. This is completely normal.
These are your growing pains.
Shed the old, the new is waiting for you to spread your wings.
You will be thankful you did it. Use the time you have to yourself to heal, focus on that business idea you have been dreaming of, sign up to that class that will connect you to like-minded people, book that one person trip that will lead to creating new, exciting friendships that make you fall in love with life again. Remember, you don't HAVE to socialise in bars, clubs and events that make you feel uncomfortable. Yes, it's good to explore outside of your comfort zone, for this makes us grow. But if you genuinely just don't like the scene, socialise in networking groups that fit the interests you love! There are tonnes of groups online that offer what you are looking for. They are waiting for you.
And lastly, you are not alone.
For years I struggled with social anxiety, I often found myself moulding into the people around me, and as a result, forgot who I was. I found myself struggling to make deep, meaningful connections because I had remained in stale, outgrown environments. I used to beat myself up for cancelling plans because my social anxiety was so bad for a variety of reasons I can talk about soon - but I would cause myself to burn out, which then resulted in me not taking care of who matters most - me. I still sometimes struggle with maintaining my boundaries, but that's okay! I am a natural empath who wants to make others happy, and I have learnt to use this as a strength rather than a weakness. I don't beat myself up about it, I just take a breath, remind myself I've got me, and start again.
It is so SO important to be your own best friend. You need to learn to be absolutely at peace on your own, in your own company. You need to make YOURSELF your safe space, your own home. It takes time, but once you master it, my god it's the best feeling ever. Anything and anyone else just becomes a bonus, and you will feel the freedom that comes with giving your power back to yourself and detaching yourself from others.
Stay safe, and have a lovely, stress-free weekend.
Love Maisie x
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