When I was 5, I panicked so much at the thought of getting a year older, and I hated change. I hated it so much, that I refused to believe I was turning 6. I used to say to my mum and dad that my 5 was just putting on a 6 costume, and each year I would give the costume a funky pattern or design, I think that year it was a 5 dressing as a pink sparkly 6 with golden stars on it.
23 laps around the sun have taught me many things, I still struggle with change and the bitter-sweet feeling of nostalgia. I have got to a point in my life where I am grateful for every bad part. It doesn't always make it less painful, and there is still healing to be done, but the anger has left me and I am left with a long, beautiful road ahead of me with a lot less fog, just adventure.
We all know Mercury Retrograde ends tomorrow on my birthday (woo!) and at first, I was smashing it. I was getting up early, doing my morning routines, feeling amazing in my skin. My therapy sessions were giving me breakthroughs I never thought I would have, and I was starting to feel more and think less.
But Mercury Retrograde ended up kicking me in the ass.
The last couple of weeks I have been falling back into toxic cycles of overthinking, getting stressed, feeling burnt out and lacking self-love. But - Mercury Retrograde is known for this. Let's talk about it.
If you have been scrolling through your TikTok feeds, you would have heard about the astrological phenomenon that is retrograde. Of course, whilst the videos we see from influencers talking about this much hated season are helpful, it barely touches the sides. The main symptoms you may get from Mercury Retrograde are:
Old habits, people and toxicity coming back into your life.
Feeling indecisive about decision making.
Intrusive thoughts, overthinking and making rash decisions.
Fatigue, headaches and vertigo.
Technology failing (remember when Whatsapp, Facebook & Insta all went down?).
Physical illness & pains.
But - I have flipped it to a positive, because like everything in life if you don't laugh you'll cry.
This Mercury Retrograde and new moon we had in Libra highlighted a few areas of my life that are still very much cause me pain. This then usually brings on the intrusive thought patterns, which then send me on a spiral. This could then result in me not looking after myself, which then leads to depression. It's a vicious cycle that some of you may recognise within yourselves, but the fact you and I are acknowledging this, is not only the start of the healing process, but it means half of the work has been done. Mercury Retrograde just gives us a little... how should we say it. Push?
I must admit, usually, I feel rejuvenated after a new moon, but this astrological cycle in Libra really knocked me sideways; partly because it affects us fellow Libras more than maybe say other star signs, but because I have made steps within my healing journey that I haven't made before, and so the universe is almost saying:
"Hey, you're doing well, and you are so close to feeling peace, and achieving your goals, but I'm just going to throw a few more hurdles your way that will mess you up, but I promise it's for your own good."
🙃 🙃 🙃
This came to me OVER my birthday weekend.
First of all, on the list, we had a good ol' endometriosis flare-up. That's right, just cute girly things. Then my wisdom teeth decided to cause me migraines as they pushed their way through my gums, which then got severely infected. YAY! On top of that, I had a mystery pain in the top of my stomach that didn't allow me to eat for a few days, but the good news is I detoxed on a bunch of smoothies. A bonus I guess? My therapist has always been adamant about the fact that when you're ill, it takes a toll on your mental health. So don't be surprised when those horrible, anxious thoughts roll in when you are feeling burnt out and rough, it's safe to dismiss them, I promise.
So, I cancelled all night out plans the minute I got my prescription letter come through that had no alcohol printed in bold across the top. My plans consisted of a funky new dress, a night out with the girls, and a cute new haircut and nails (which I still got). Instead, I took care of my body and soul. It's okay to cancel. It is not okay to do things your body will punish you for later. Birthdays are just another thing society tells you that you MUST celebrate. News flash - you don't have to if you don't want to! Saying that - I still had a wonderful weekend surrounded by gorgeous walks, a lovely meal, pumpkin picking in a field that was coloured in with the golden shades of an autumnal colour palette, and waking up at 8 am to go to the beach on my final day as a 23-year-old. Again, flipping the negative to a positive. The sound of the waves crashing brings me back to a home I never realised existed. The feeling of the air rushing through my lungs as I shed the last layer of this age, all the good and bad, and look forward to the adventures on the horizon.
I feel so blessed.
23 has been the year of realisation. The year of shedding my old self, the one I still have to heal for. I want to make her proud. And 23 did that. It was the year I realised I need to give myself some credit. It was the year I said yes more. It was the year I let myself feel safe within my relationship and learnt that I need to accept the love I am so worthy of. It was the year of forgiveness, to myself and others. It was the year I acknowledged my trauma head-on, not a 'brushed under the carpet' way. It was the year I came off auto-pilot after being on it for nearly 10 years. I felt emotions after being numb for so long. I also struggled to feel anything at all, then I felt everything at once. It was a beautiful year.
In summary, and this is a note to self as well as to you - if the last few weeks have been rough, or just life, in general, has been an endless cycle of negativity, this is no coincidence. This is the universe sending you karmic cycles, otherwise known as things in your life that appear over and over again in the shape of people, environments, habits and intrusive thoughts. These are not here to torture you, but to nudge you in the right direction. Instead of dwelling in them, and letting these aspects of your life take control, search for the lesson. It could take time. It could take a few cycles for you to realise; that person is bad for you. That habit is taking control of you. That place is draining you, and so are those people. That job is a dead end, or that thought about yourself or something in your life, or within your relationships is on a loop in your head - instead of ignoring it and running, face it. Head on. This is the only way to truly break the cycle.
Then, you feel it. You feel the emotions.
Write down the problem, how it makes you feel, then simply let it go. You can do this through guided meditation, journaling, or running a hot bubble bath. Dancing. Talking to a loved one. Feel the weight lift off your shoulders as you realise this thing in your life no longer holds all the cards. You have the power, and you are no longer ignoring it, you are simply acknowledging, then releasing.
This may take a few goes. This may be an obstacle that will be the biggest hurdle of your life. But noticing the toxic cycles, or things in your life is the first step to healing. You did it.
And I did it. This past year, that was the biggest realisation for me, was identifying what those cycles were. And guess what? I'm STILL learning to let them go. I am still learning to free my mind of them. And actually, this weekend they came on heavy and hard, and I chose to use this as yet another strengthening exercise, not one that was going to beat me down. These showed up in the form of intrusive thoughts:
Have I got to where I want to be in life? I still have so many goals I want to reach
Can I trust the people I have in my life? Am I going to get hurt?
Am I safe?
I am still grieving the old me, I still feel her pain every day. That is heavy to carry.
Am I going to get abandoned?
Why did those people hurt me? That still sucks
I am going to run out of time
Silence. Breathe. Let go.
My anxiety is lying to me. My inner child is safe, I am my home, and I am my highest self.
So, 23 has been tough, but it's been wonderful. It's been necessary, and I feel as though I have now got the tools I need to go onto the next chapter of my life. 24 will be life-changing, I can feel it. It will be the year of putting my long-awaited plans into action. It will be the year of change and becoming my highest self. It will be the year of continued healing, and more self-discovery. It will be the year of me focussing on my already successful career within PR and multi-media, and my own businesses. It will be pushing this page and helping others. I want to get on stage again. I want to sing again, and do things that make me feel alive. That is what 24 will be.
I am so grateful for all the magical, wonderful people I have in my life. This time a few years ago I didn't think I would be here. I didn't think I would have the love I have for myself, putting on a dress and being able to look in the mirror again with strength. I didn't think I would have my dream home or my soulmate. We spend so much time worrying about the next thing, we don't realise we are already living the life we once dreamed of.
So if you are having a tough time, I promise it is for the greater good. You will look back at this stage in your life, or certain milestones, and think: "I did that. I am safe, look at where I am now. I survived."
And on that note, I am now going to snuggle up on the sofa and watch Twilight (my birthday request so Jono cant argue, he secretly loves it) after a wonderful day of carving pumpkins and drinking tea, whilst the love of my life makes me a risotto later on. My heart is full as I look back at my messages from my friends on Friday night, who send me videos of them singing
P.S... my 23 is turning into a 24 costume. This year it's gold with black moons on it.
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